DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
