Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He has the fingertips of a God
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