He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
