I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
