cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Walk of Shame today included voting.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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