It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
