so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
