Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
