Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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