apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
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