We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
