I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
