i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am available for nakedness
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
