: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
