i can't believe i had my finger in that
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
