i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
