i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
cat food counts as protein by the way
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
