Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
