When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
