Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
