this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The cops high fived after they tackled you
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
