I want you more than these girls want KFC
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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