Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
