i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
