So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
