Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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