2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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