3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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