new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
