you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
