Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
