She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
