Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
