Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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