Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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