i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
