apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
