Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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