just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
