I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
