I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
