I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
