party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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