I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
