So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
