this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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