i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Randomize
