its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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