Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
