The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
